Why You're Self-Centered, Why You Don't Know it, and What You Can Do About it

         Definitions are incredibly powerful things.  Twist them the right way, and your entire conception of life can change.  What if I told you that by adopting one definition, one single definition, of a word, you would change your entire conception of altruism, understand why you aren't there yet, and see clearly how you can get there?  Would you believe me?

          As I scan through my followers' Twitter pages, it's heartening to see the large number of people who want to make the world a better place by encouraging those in their sphere of influence to do good things for each other.  A typical tweet goes something like this: 

          "The most sure way to find true happiness is lightening the hearts of those around you."

          I'm glad to see that people care about this.  It's an infinitely better message than the a lot of what we get from the Internet.

But what if I told you that that was only the first step?

          Definition time:  I personally believe that there is a critical difference between being selfish and self-centered.

          Selfishness means taking what one wants at the expense of others and is generally looked down on by society.  These are the swindlers and people who cut in line.  If we're honest, we're likely to find at least some tinges of it in ourselves.  Fortunately, though, selfishness is generally regarded as a bad thing and a good many people do their best to get rid of it.

          Self-centeredness, on the other hand, means to literally be centered on the self, to be focused on it.  It means to seek primarily one's own wellbeing and can refer to relatively positive activities that enhance quality of life without taking anything from anyone else.  Ultimately, though, it means that you want your own happiness more than you want anyone else's.

          Most people act  in the interests of others at least occasionally.  But this is a different thing than being focused on them.  To dedicate the whole meaning of your life to the happiness of someone else, I believe, can sometimes be rare.  And that is what it means to be truly altruistic.

          It's amazing how sneaky self-centeredness  can be.  Take, for example, the prototypical tweet I mentioned earlier, "The most sure way to find true happiness is by lightening the hearts of those around you."  Implicit in this message is that finding true happiness for oneself is the purpose of life and that helping others is the most effective means to that end.  In other words, the focus isn't on the happiness of others but of me. 

          There are other ways we can help others while still being focused on personal interests.  We can do so out of a desire not to feel guilt, a sense of personal duty, or an inclination to see ourselves as giving people.  Ultimately, there is not one act of kindness, not a single one, that does not have the potential to become self-centered in some way.

          Only we know if we actually are.

          And only we can decide if we want to change.

          Some may argue that we can't constantly be running around donating to every cause, assisting with every need, until we're a burned out shell.  We need some time to care for ourselves, they say.  We have to be strong ourselves to be able to help others.

          Yes.  Yes, exactly.  Once again, there is not any act, not a single one, that cannot become truly altruistic in the right place and time.  For example, a person could got to a lot of effort take care of themselves because they are concerned about their own needs, or because they want to be in a position to more effectively help others.  A person could prevent another from walking all over them, not because they are concerned primarily about themselves, but because they want to avoid the negative effect the act of malice would have on the perpetrator.  True altruism doesn't rule out sometimes spending time on an activity you enjoy or ever pursuing your own interests.  What it does exclude is making those personal pleasures the center of your life while expelling the happiness of others to the periphery.

          I also don't want to imply that helping others with some shred of self-centeredness still in us is worthless.  We all have to start somewhere, and helping others in any capacity, even if our motivations still have impurities in them, is still going to get us closer to the mark than doing a swan dive into selfishness.

          It's true that the greatest happiness comes from helping others.  But ironically, the fullest extent of that happiness cannot come until we care less about it than the potential of those around us.  That's a choice we can make, day by day, as we slowly turn our focus outside of ourselves.

          First we have to decide that's what we want.  Then we have to live every day for that purpose.  Over time, our natures will begin to change and what used to seem foreign to us will come automatically.

          Will you join me in that quest?  It's the journey of a lifetime.  Some days will be easier than others, and we'll have to be patient as we go.  They may be uncharted waters, but who wants a life of no surprises, anyway?  It will be unquestionably worth it.  Not because we are happy, though we will be, but because they are.

          And the fact that we feel that way will be the greatest miracle of all.  Ours will be the opportunity to watch lives of darkness step into the sunlight.  And as we love them, our own will follow suit.